A Different Perspective

I’ve had to take a different perspective lately.  Not one that is totally unfamiliar, but just that I am on the opposite side of it.  You see, I used to be the person who was always ready to lend a helping hand to someone in need.

Since my health has declined I’ve found myself sometimes unable to do things for myself.  It started with taking care of more difficult household tasks.  I remember how over-joyed and remorseful I was when my pastor’s wife came to my home to help me clean.  Even I was confused by those mixed emotions.  Part of me was happy to have help, at the same time another part of me was filled with remorse that I could no longer keep up with things on my own.

I don’t think I ever showed the gratitude I felt.  Probably because I felt like crying every time I thought about it.  I was overcome with a mixture of sadness and anger that I needed to ask for help.

It seems my life took a downward spiral after that time.  Knowing I have true medical issues doesn’t help.  It just seems to anger me more.  I used to be the one to do the helping.  I preferred it that way.

That seems so ungrateful.  So foolish.  Actually, I’m fairly certain anyone struggling would rather be the helper than the one in need.  Now I remember a few situations where I thought someone was ungrateful when I did something for them.  Instead they were likely feeling just like I feel now.

One thing I have had to do is change my outlook.  In recent weeks my husband and I had someone provide us with gas cards so we could drive to work, our church provide us with a Thanksgiving meal with the promise of another one at Christmas, and a friend who works with my husband offered to loan us money to pay to get our car repaired.

I’ve cried because of their goodness, feeling so unworthy.  Unworthy because I still seem stuck on the thought it should be me doing the helping.  I feel so useless.  Worse, I feel like our financial woes are my fault because if I didn’t have such high medical bills we’d be okay.

I’m writing this to help sort out the mixed emotions I’m feeling.  Also, to make certain I do show appreciation for everything everyone has done.  Instead of keeping a mental record of how much I hope to repay each person, I am beginning to see that I have shown little of the grace a person calling themselves a Christian should have.

I need to stop feeling as though I am more in debt than before, and begin to accept each thing a person does as a gift of love.  A gift that can never be repaid, only appreciated and returned. 

Just like I never felt anyone was in my debt when I did something to help them, I now must be grateful instead of indebted.  I never looked for limelight when I did something good, I preferred to remain in the background.  The only satisfaction I received was knowing I helped make someone’s life better.  That felt pretty good.

I certainly hope that is how these people are feeling about what they did for us.  They should.  They helped more than they probably realize.

I hope one day our situation will improve and we won’t need to have gift cards, food or money to see us through.  The gift of love is all that matters.  I’ll hope that continues always.

When I think about it, that is what I still can give to others.  I can show them love.  Everyone can use that.  They don’t have to be broke or sick, they just have to be here sharing time with us in this world, waiting for the promised world to come.  The one where there will be no need, where love will be given automatically. 

Until then, I’ll be content with what I have, and thankful for the love around me.

That's Life

You know how a song sometimes gets stuck in your mind.  The other day, I couldn’t get Frank Sinatra’s That’s Life out of my mind.  I was driving home from another doctor’s appointment – there’s been plenty of them lately, and the next thing I realized I was belting out this song.  Thank goodness it wasn’t summer and I didn’t have the windows open.  My voice is anything but good.  Isn’t there a saying if you can’t sing good, sing loud?  Well, I did.

As I sang, I realized what was probably causing my trip down musical memory lane was the fact that of late my life seems to parallel the song.  Maybe it has for some time.  Let’s see. . .

That's life (That's life.) That's what all the people say. You're riding high in April, shot down in May. But I know I'm gonna change that tune When I'm back on top, back on top in June.

Yes, so often in life I’ve felt like I was kicked down.  But my motto always has been when I hit bottom you better watch out, because when I come back I’ll be stronger than ever.

 
I said that's life (That's life) And as funny as it may seem Some people get their kicks stomping on a dream. But I don't let it, let it get me down 'Cause this fine old world, it keeps spinnin' around.

A lot of people haven’t shared my dreams.  Then again, most of the important people in my life have hoped my dreams come true.  One thing for sure, whether those dreams have come true or not, Sinatra’s right, the world just keeps on spinning around.

 
I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king I've been up and down and over and out and I know one thing Each time I find myself flat on my face I pick myself up and get back in the race.

My I do remember being each of these, just not in the order of the song.  Yes, I was a puppet on more than one occasion, until I realized it was far better to speak and act on my own.    Unfortunately, I have also been a pauper.  The starving artist thing is true. 

Ahy, Mate, I’ve also been a pirate.  For my 50^th birthday – one of those non-pauper times – my husband and I went to the Cayman Islands for Pirates Week.  We also have gone to Pirate theme night at Bube’s Brewery in Mt. Joy, PA.  On both occasions we dressed the part and enjoyed every minute.  Arrrrrrrrgh!

I’ve been a king of sorts, more just sitting on top of the world doing what I love.  And as far as the rest, I’ve been that, too.

 
That's life (That's life) I tell you, I can't deny it I thought of quitting, baby but my heart just ain't gonna buy it. And if I didn't think it was worth one single try I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly.

 

I certainly have thought about quitting.  Especially during times when I’ve felt out of control, like the world was closing in to destroy me.  Fortunately, I didn’t buy it.  I keep on trying.  Well, as for the big bird, I’ve been to Sesame Street and I don’t think Big Bird could hold me.  Now, for the other kind of big bird – well, I wish I could jump on those more often.  I’ve loved every trip I’ve had on one.

 
I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king I've been up and down and over and out and I know one thing Each time I find myself layin' flat on my face I just pick myself up and get back in the race.

That's life (That's life) That's life and I can't deny it Many times I thought of cutting out but my heart won't buy it. But if there's nothing shaking come this here July I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die, my, my!

Hey, there is where the similarity to the song ends.  I’ve had a lot of health issues lately, as I’ve suggested above.  But come July, August, next May or December, I’m not going to roll myself into a big ball and die.  No way!  I’m going out living every second to the fullest I can!  I want to do it My Way.  Oh, different song.   Frant Sinatra's That's Life