What Christmas Means to Me

As far back as I can remember Christmas was a time of great joy. I think I was very young when I learned the true meaning of Christmas. It was the day Jesus was born. I understood that in the way a child would understand.

As I grew older, I still knew the true meaning; but, I was slowly being drawn in with all the glitz and glitter of the season. It was amazing to see the decorations, the lights, and decorated trees. I remember going to Hess’s Department Store to see Santa. However, actually sitting on his lap is a memory only as vivid as the photo in my mother’s album.

I think the only thing I loved more than receiving gifts was giving them. It was so much fun seeing the smiles on the faces of the people I loved. My mother told me there were times I forgot to open my own gifts in my excitement of giving to others.

At one point we started a tradition of giving gag gifts on Christmas Eve. I hear the Royal Family does that. I would never have guessed our humble American family would have something in common with royalty.

Of course, in my heart we were royalty. And sometimes I gave so many gifts, almost to everyone I knew, I may have thought I had the budget of a royal. When I look back, I still remember the joy of giving. Not so much the joy of paying the credit card bills.

By the time my two Princes came along I was even more excited for the Christmas holiday. There was nothing like watching a child experience Christmas for the first time. And the second. The third. And so on, and so on.

We still maintained the true meaning of Christmas by reading scripture about the first Christmas. We did that every year while they were young. Unfortunately, at some point, the boys grew up and that tradition stopped.

I struggled for many years with my desire to bring the beauty of Christmas into my home. However, as I grew less and less able to do it on my own, I depended on Ken and my son, Bob to help me. There was so much grumbling that the joy slowly diminished. The pain at this point was both physical and emotional as I so desired to return to days gone by.

I regained my spirit when grandchildren came along. I decorated in spite of the pain and ignored the grumbles of my helpers. I made the house look like a photo from a magazine. It was so magical. But the best part was having my dear grandchildren with me for this magical holiday.

Slowly, my grandchildren grew older and our lives all went in different directions. I felt like I was decorating for just myself. When we were forced to move to a small apartment we sold most of my decorations. I insisted on giving each of my grandchildren some of my collections, hoping they would remember me whenever they put them on display.

The reality is, I don’t think they ever display them. I have heard some grumbling – they didn’t know I heard – about the problem storing these beloved tokens of my Christmas past. I decided not to dwell on that and pretend they love the collections as much as I once did.

My pain has grown worse, but surprisingly the grumbling has stopped. I think that is because Ken is doing everything possible to keep Christmas as beautiful as I always wanted it. Yes, we have fewer decorations, but he helps me every step of the way, from dragging out the boxes, hunting down missing wreaths, decorating the tree and even the fun of making cookies. He is especially adept at eating them.

Today, I still know the season is really to celebrate the birth of the Christ Child. I know without Him there would be no hope in the world. But today, I also know that God has given me a partner who knows that true meaning, too.

There is one more thing, though. Ken has done so much for me, trying to keep the joy of Christmas alive inside me. No matter how low I get, he is there with the light of love in his eyes, a joke handy and a kiss beneath the mistletoe. Our Christmas has gone from one giant gathering to several smaller ones with our busy family spread out so far.

Yet the most treasured moment of all is the quiet time with Ken, and the moments we spend at Christmas Eve service celebrating the birthday of the One who came to bring us hope.

That is, after all, the most important part of Christmas. I am happy I never forgot.

MY GOODNESS! WHAT DID I DO?

Have you ever signed up for something only to find out it wasn’t exactly what you thought it would be? Come on admit it – I think most people have. If not; well, I guess you aren’t as gullible as me.

Recently, I signed up for two free products. One was a diet plan. The other for chocolate.

Yes, I realize the two may seem counter-intuitive. I mean, you don’t usually eat chocolate while trying to diet. That might be true, but when the chocolate is called “Skinny-Me,” you feel like it is calling all who are weary in their diets to come. You know it may just be that evil temptation that comes during those weak moments when you want to eat right but you also want something decadent.

Well, the “Skinny-Me Chocolates,” may be just what you want during those weak moments. They could be just what you want at any time you’d like something sweet and chocolatey.

You don’t have to feel guilty if you eat “Skinny-Me Chocolates.” First, I ordered the Dark Chocolate Mint squares and they only have 45 calories per square. Another important factor to me was that they used Stevia as a sweetener, unlike some of the sweeteners used in other dietetic candies which can cause – ah, putting it mildly -- intestinal distress.

Look below to see more about the ingredients and vital information about this product.

The Dark Chocolate Mint squares are only one of the many flavors you will find from Skinny-Me. I have to say, I am very anxious for a new flavor soon to be released – Peanut Butter. This will be in the form of a truffle instead of the squares. Both are available in various flavors.

I am going to provide a link at the end of this blog post where you can get a free trial box of chocolates. But before that, I want to tell you a few things you will need to know in case you miss it like I did.

1.     When you order the free “trial” box, you are given two weeks to try the candy. You must call and cancel within two weeks or you will be charged $34.99 for the “free trial box.” Yes, I struggled with the fact that it isn’t really free if you have to pay for it, but one taste kind of dissipated my distress.

2.     If you want to continue receiving the chocolates monthly you do nothing. However, you can adjust the time between orders, just as you can change what you order.

3.     You can also order what you want, when you want. It is a little cheaper to go with the subscription, but this way gives you the control.

I promised the link. I get nothing if you order, except the satisfaction of knowing I am giving chocolate lovers who are dieting a great experience that will taste like a break in the diet.

If you are wondering about my other purchase of the diet plan, you’ll have to wait. I have 90 days to lose 20 pounds or I get my money back. I will be writing about that after I see what happens.

Get your Free Trial Here 

TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO PERSON HAS GONE BEFORE (Part Two)

What causes a relationship to bloom? And, what causes it to sour? Like in Part One of this series of blogs, relationships can also be influenced by many outside factors. Past mistakes or painful situations can lead to difficulty in building relationships. I have found this to be very true in my own struggle to build a relationship with family.

I will not go into anything personal, because “personal,” is self-explanatory. However, I will say fault can run in both directions of a struggling relationship. I will also say that the closer you hope to be, the more painful the rejection or gap.

First, one needs to give up on wanting things to be perfect. Often this only serves to distance the people with whom we are trying to draw close. Others can read tension; but they may not know what is causing it. While one may be stressing because they are trying so hard, it may be perceived as really wishing the situation was over. This is a good reason to relax and stop trying so hard.

Another warning is to watch out for those who offer advice. Sometimes people you love tell you what they think you want to hear. At the same time, people with their own agenda may tell you something that will, in the end, benefit them. I also learned this the hard way.

Trust what your eyes and ears tell you. The latter is very important. Open a line of dialogue. This isn’t always easy. Especially when what you hear is not what you want to hear. Sometimes it can be downright hurtful. Still, this dialogue, if done properly, runs two ways. It offers you the opportunity to clarify any misconceptions.

You also need to know when not to respond or react. When to stop and think about what you are about to say. In her book, “Who Switched Off My Brain? Controlling Toxic Thoughts and Emotions,” Dr. Caroline Leaf states, that like poison ivy, words have their sting. “You may think you’ll feel better when you’ve let it all out and given others a piece of your mind, but you actually won’t.

That is why I have often chosen to bite my tongue than open a hornet’s nest of pain, that can be worse than the itch of poison ivy. Still, when one choses silence over confrontation, they must also remember to let it go. I have found this part particularly difficult and am still working to shrink my long memory.

In the book, “But, I’m not a Wicked Stepmother!”, authors Kathi Lipp and Carol Boley have set aside an entire chapter about communications that may be beneficial even if your relationship problem is not with step-children.  The chapter, “Say This, Not That,” is perhaps one of the best chapters in the book, though I did find the entire book a good reference to many of life’s situations.

It is perhaps better to look at fixing a relationship as building a bridge rather than swimming the channel separating you from the one you love. Swimming a channel, often against current, can be extremely tiring and dangerous, while the worst you may get by building a bridge is a splinter or sore back. It may seem swimming will be faster, but in the end, a bridge will last longer and create a two-way road to friendship.

Last, note the last word in the above paragraph. “Friendship.” While you may long for a loving relationship, friendship may be the best you will ever have. It’s not so bad; as they say, one never can have too many friends.

In the third part of this series, I will discuss ways to maintain a healthy heart.

You can get the books mentioned in this article below:

TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO PERSON HAS GONE BEFORE

I’m not certain why I chose that title. Maybe a subliminal message from the recent Star Trek commercials.  What I do know is that there is a place closer than outer space, a place deep inside our lives that may need some exploring.

I came to this conclusion after over a year battling depression and self-dissatisfaction. I am not where I’d thought I’d be in this phase of my life. I am a writer who loves “Happily Ever After,” endings. However, Happily Ever After, can’t be created just because you write it on a piece of paper. No, it takes hard work, and often, no matter how hard we try, it may not be attainable.

Today, what I hope to achieve is contentment and peace. To do that I felt the need to take a deep look inside myself and find out why these things seem so distant from my life.

First, I have to throw away the fairy tale dream I’d anticipated for my later years. It’s only value is for my readers, many of whom are searching for much the same thing as I am searching. It is for them, I am again putting my thoughts to paper and sharing them. It is my hope I can help myself and others as I search for the contentment and peace I long.

I realized along the beginning of my search that a person is not only influenced by their past, but also the future and the dreams they hold close to their heart. And, they are influenced by the day to day happenings in their life and the world.

Here is one hard lesson learned. I needed to cut back on the amount of that world I let into my own life. Like many, I am a creature of habit, and for many years I have watched the news show Good Morning America. It has so much more than news, and I find much valuable information right from my living room chair.

Sadly, though, I also have my lunch with the news at noon. Then later when Ken comes home, he wants to see what is happening in the world; and because I want to spend time with him, I watch the news again.

This is news overdosing. For me it was like taking a tiny little bit of arsenic a day. Do you know this is how women in the past maintained their stylish, pale, sickly complexion? Of course, a little too much and you can guess what happened.

I believe the outside world and all the horrors going on have been a big influence on my depression. The negative things of the world were pushing in and slowly pushing out the positive things in my life. I very nearly lost my ability to think positive at all.

Another even bigger influence on me is my family. I include all people I love and care about. Because I care so deeply, I didn’t realize how subtly other people’s pain can seep into my own psyche and begin to go from picking at my heartstrings to ripping a deepening hole into my heart. Yes, it is possible to care too much.

My solution to the subjects above was to cut back on the news – not ignoring it completely – just not hearing it over and over again. Next, I practically eliminated social media. It was hard, because I cared about my friends, and enjoyed the positive posts I read. Now, I limit the negativity.

I don’t want to sound casual, but I have begun to pray for all those who are struggling with illness, grief, financial woes, and more. The blanket prayer helps ease my conscience that I may forget someone important to me. This has helped me to exit social media as soon as I have read enough negativity. I admit to skipping any posts that have certain words jump out; like: Trump, ISIS, protests, war, etc.. I don’t have to name them. You just have to spend a brief time on social media to find them.

Another thing I needed to do was take a look at my relationships with the people I love. In Part Two of this short series will be dedicated to this subject.

You may find the following books on related subjects helpful:

BYE-BYE GAMES

I deleted all but one of my games today. I probably should have gotten rid of them all. Cold Turkey worked for me when I quit smoking, but it never worked well with games. Believe me, I’ve tried. The worst thing was that every time I went back, I added more and more games.

Last month I even paid to keep playing one game. That is after I swore I would never spend a cent on games. I deleted that game as soon as I came to my senses.

I realize there are worse things I could be doing. Like sitting and eating bonbons all day while watching soap operas. Funny thing, I think there may only be one soap opera left. Not that I watch them, mind you.

Games are an addiction for me. Just like food. Oh, how I wish I was addicted to exercise, but I’m not fond of pain. For me, exercise equals pain. Even a simple walk for less than 10 minutes means I must turn around for fear I won’t make it home again.

Back to the games – or should I say back to writing? I have decided to fill the time I have been wasting on games trying to write again. Those of you who know me the best, know writing was always part of who I am. Not writing feels like I have lost something precious.

I don’t know how successful I will be. My problem isn’t writing something short like this blog. No, the problem is getting words for a story or novel from my brain to paper. I have been told this could be because of Parkinson’s Disease.

However, PD can’t stop me from trying! Games be gone! Writing be back!!! Pray for me friends. Pray I succeed. If I do, quite possibly, in a few months, I’ll be trying to sell you my next story.               

IN SEARCH OF A GOOD NIGHT SLEEP

I’ve probably mentioned my trouble sleeping before. Though, I’m not sure I’ve mentioned the many ways I have tried to achieve that sleep. Lately, though, it hasn’t been sleep as much as the horrible dreams I have. In my bedtime prayer, I have asked God to PLEASE give me sweet, peaceful dreams.

 

All right, He did reduce the fear-filled race against time as a terrorist or assassin chase me. I am usually using super human skills to stay just ahead of death, while at the same time protecting babies or puppies. Worse, at some point in the nightmare I realize someone I love is working with the evil being chasing me. We are about to have a confrontation when I awaken to a mixture of outrage and terror.

I increased my prayers, then remembered the empty box. For those of you who have not read my previous posts, the empty box is a place where men go. When you see a man with a blank stare, there is a good chance he is in his empty box. Go to YouTube and search “Empty Box,” to learn more.

I decided to search for my empty box, certain woman must have them too; so that when I finally slept, I’d be in a place where nothing could touch me. In my mind, I went to a door – yes, I know a box doesn’t have a door. Just go with me. I open the door hoping to find an empty place, then close it quickly because there seems to be a party going on.

I think, empty, empty, empty as I continue searching. Soon I see a beautiful cherry box, with a cushioned white satin lining. Yikes! I wasn’t in search of that much peace.

I needed another technique. I tried thinking about a peaceful place. Some might think about floating on fluffy clouds or a raft in the middle of a rippleless lake with birds softly chirping as they fly overhead. I instead, have my go-to imaginary favorite place: in a hammock between two palm trees, a gentle breeze keeping me from getting too warm on a perfect sunny day, and the sound of the waves lulling me to sleep.

I smile, enjoying this vision, until one cloud appeared in the blue sky above me. Soon another joined

it, quickly followed by more, casting shadows over me. Soon the breeze picked up rocking my resting place so much I had to hold on to keep from falling out.. The white fluffy clouds turned dark and threatening. The lull of the gentle waves became a roar of a freight train heading right at me.

I open my eyes and I see a wall of sea in the distance quickly approaching. While coconuts begin falling like a cannonball attack, I jump from my hammock and begin running for high ground. But since I’m at the beach, there is nothing but lowlands, a boardwalk and hotels. I race into the hotels, bypassing the casino floor and heading for the elevator to get to the highest floors, hoping water wouldn’t reach me. There is a long line of people who must have been forewarned, so I race up the stairs.

Okay, my superhuman sleep-time strength gets me farther than I’d make it in real life, but eventually, I awaken out of breath, knowing any second, I’d be drowning in salt water.

When I regain my composure, and assure myself it is another nightmare, I decide I really don’t want to sleep. I try to keep my eyes open to prevent any chance of more nightmares. My eyelids get heavy so I get up from bed and walk around.

After a time, I return to bed and after more prayers I dare to close my eyes. I decide my nightmares could have something to do with the type of evening TV I watch – too many suspenseful cop shows. Instead, I decide to remove that from my mind with pleasant thoughts. I resort to my old standard pre-sleep ritual and begin counting. Not sheep, rather a wide assortment of animals. Only to make them less threatening I color them with beautiful pastels. One: pink alligator, Two: yellow rhinos, Three: blue emus, Four: lilac lions.

At some point it must have worked, because I finally did fall asleep. Not the dreamless sleep I’d hoped for, but dreams of two toddlers and me. We were playing with hamsters. Not pink, green or yellow. Just plain hamsters. We were having fun, laughing, and chasing the furry creatures as they raced around the room. Not a bad dream.

I guess you can guess what I’ll be doing when I got to bed tonight. Let me see: orange orangutans; lavenders lamas, and teal seals, just might be part of it. 

PRAYERS AND APOLOGIES

I don’t know how many of you say prayers at night. For me it is the time to summarize my day and apologize for any bloopers that may have offended God that day. Believe me, I have too many of those.

Last night in the process of my prayers I ended up getting myself into quite a conundrum. I started out okay. I always praise God for His greatness and forgiveness. I went through a long list of things I am thankful for.

As always, I prayed about how thankful I was that he sent His Son to be my Savior. It was at this point I started rambling. I was trying to put myself in God’s position of giving His Son to die for me. How difficult a thing it would be to do for anyone, but especially for a person so undeserving as me. Then multiply that by the fact he did it for every undeserving being there ever was.

Okay, as if that wasn’t enough, my mind took me to all the negative things going on in the world. Add to that all the bad things that have taken place in history. It was very depressing and sad thinking the God I love had to watch all of it.

Now the way my brain works, I started thinking, and rambling on about how God knows all, even the future, and I thought about how horrible it must be for Him to know not only what bad things we have done and are doing, but also the things still undone, that will be done.

By this time, I was in my thoughts so deep I had stopped praying for myself and found myself praying for God. I was asking for Him to have the strength to endure all that He must have on His shoulders. I was asking that He have comfort and peace, though how He could was beyond my perception.
Then it hit me. God is all powerful. There is nothing – NOTHING – He can’t do. His Greatness is beyond our ability to understand. As are His strength and power.

At that point my prayer took a real swing. I mean, was I insulting God by praying for Him? Were my thoughts of empathy suggesting He needed anything? Could my genuine caring prayer seem more like I was putting myself above God, trying to give Him what I thought He needed?

Yikes! I was, as they say, digging a hole and ready to bury myself. I was nearly in a state of panic.

Then I remembered, God knows my heart. He knows I was only looking at His situation through the eyes of what I knew. I know I could not carry everything He does on His shoulders. It is unimaginable to me. Because I am human.

But He is God. He can handle anything. Nothing is too large for my God.

I suspect He was smiling as He listened to my prayer last night. He understood what I was trying to say and I’m sure He took to offense. I still care very much for my Creator. I am saddened He has done so much and gotten so little in return. I am thankful He still loves me and others through all our faux paus of life. And He will never be anything but All Mighty.