I’ve had to take a different perspective lately. Not one that is totally unfamiliar, but just
that I am on the opposite side of it.
You see, I used to be the person who was always ready to lend a helping
hand to someone in need.
Since my health has declined I’ve found myself sometimes
unable to do things for myself. It
started with taking care of more difficult household tasks. I remember how over-joyed and remorseful I
was when my pastor’s wife came to my home to help me clean. Even I was confused by those mixed
emotions. Part of me was happy to have
help, at the same time another part of me was filled with remorse that I could
no longer keep up with things on my own.
I don’t think I ever showed the gratitude I felt. Probably because I felt like crying every
time I thought about it. I was overcome
with a mixture of sadness and anger that I needed to ask for help.
It seems my life took a downward spiral after that time. Knowing I have true medical issues doesn’t
help. It just seems to anger me
more. I used to be the one to do the
helping. I preferred it that way.
That seems so ungrateful.
So foolish. Actually, I’m fairly
certain anyone struggling would rather be the helper than the one in need. Now I remember a few situations where I
thought someone was ungrateful when I did something for them. Instead they were likely feeling just like I
feel now.
One thing I have had to do is change my outlook. In recent weeks my husband and I had someone
provide us with gas cards so we could drive to work, our church provide us with
a Thanksgiving meal with the promise of another one at Christmas, and a friend
who works with my husband offered to loan us money to pay to get our car
repaired.
I’ve cried because of their goodness, feeling so
unworthy. Unworthy because I still seem
stuck on the thought it should be me doing the helping. I feel so useless. Worse, I feel like our financial woes are my
fault because if I didn’t have such high medical bills we’d be okay.
I’m writing this to help sort out the mixed emotions I’m
feeling. Also, to make certain I do show
appreciation for everything everyone has done.
Instead of keeping a mental record of how much I hope to repay each
person, I am beginning to see that I have shown little of the grace a person
calling themselves a Christian should have.
I need to stop feeling as though I am more in debt than
before, and begin to accept each thing a person does as a gift of love. A gift that can never be repaid, only
appreciated and returned.
Just like I never felt anyone was in my debt when I did
something to help them, I now must be grateful instead of indebted. I never looked for limelight when I did
something good, I preferred to remain in the background. The only satisfaction I received was knowing
I helped make someone’s life better.
That felt pretty good.
I certainly hope that is how these people are feeling about
what they did for us. They should. They helped more than they probably realize.
I hope one day our situation will improve and we won’t need
to have gift cards, food or money to see us through. The gift of love is all that matters. I’ll hope that continues always.
When I think about it, that is what I still can give to
others. I can show them love. Everyone can use that. They don’t have to be broke or sick, they
just have to be here sharing time with us in this world, waiting for the promised
world to come. The one where there will
be no need, where love will be given automatically.
Until then, I’ll be content with what I have, and thankful
for the love around me.
