Perception is Anything You Let it Be

“Perception is Reality”, Tom Peters wrote in one of his many self-help books.  I believe that.  I’ve taught that to others.  However, I also believe that perception is anything you let it be.  And unless it is reality you have the power to change it.

That may seem a twist on words, but think about it.  What you believe is very real to you.  That does not necessarily make it so.  The mind can play many tricks on you.  The person standing outside your window watching you may not really be a threat.  I’ve jumped many times prepared to scream, only to laugh when I realized the face I saw was my own reflection looking back at me.

That does not mean we shouldn’t ere on the side of caution.  Certainly prepare to run if a shadow seems like a person jumping out to grab you. –  It just might be. –   I would never tell anyone to go through life double checking every seeming threat before reacting.  I am just saying double check before you run home, lock the doors and hide under the bed.  Otherwise you might have a very long night hiding from your own shadow.

There are also perceptions that are even more dangerous to us.  It is those perceptions we may hold about our family, friends and even ourselves.  Is there someone who you feel is out to sabotage your relationship with another?  Or, could it be that the reality is they feel less than you and have the need to make themselves look better?  Or, even more likely the reality might be that you are dealing with your own insecurities?

I chose to write about this right before the Thanksgiving holiday because there seems to be so much stress for people over the holidays.  All those past differences seem to come back to haunt us as we sit face to face around the table.  And insignificant pet peeves seem to inflate into a monumental flaws that are so annoying they drive us crazy. Sometimes those things will eventually make us laugh. We all could use that, like in this clip.

We need to put it all into perspective and try to change our reality by looking at things with a different perception.  Put a different slant on things.

Oh yes, some things are easier to do than others.  My mother-in-law, dear woman that she was, was like the tortoise and I the hare in the kitchen.  One time I gave her the task of putting the leftover butter into a container.  She scraped and she smoothed for quite a long time, while I was waiting to put dishes into the cabinet where she was standing.  When I started to get irritated wanting to tell her to just slap the butter into the container and put a lid on it, I stopped and looked at it from what might have been her perception.  She has an artistic flare and probably wanted the butter to be just right for the next time we used it.  Her work of art was a gift to us.

Okay, that is a much easier thing to get over than perhaps facing the sister who stole your boyfriend when you were in high school, who you still feel wants everything that is yours.  Maybe it is reality, but you can perceive it as a threat to you, or as pity for her because what you have you intend to keep.  The way you react to that situation should change with the way you perceive it.

Arm yourself with the skills to change your perception.   Below you will find some books I hope will help.  You may not be able to obtain them to help you through Thanksgiving, but they could help make the next holiday even brighter.

When the Woman is a Writer, Lookout!

I have seen so many posts on social media about how a woman’s mind works, jumping from one thing to another, sometimes several at the same time. My husband and I used to take long trips, and on one of those trips I’d acquired an alter ego who I named Dewietta. He was Dewie.

She, as a woman, had the ability to switch topics quite frequently, while poor Dewie sat fairly silent, pretending to listen. Sound familiar?

A typical conversation might go like this. “Dewie, I’m so tired lately. I just don’t know how I manage to get up in the morning. Oh, did you see that car. It’s in worse shape than ours. Too many cars are rundown since inspections are only once a year. Imagine states that have no inspections. I’ll bet their cars are a sorry sight. Our car certainly isn’t what it should be. Remember when we took care of things right away. I guess that was before children. Did you see Junior lately? He called the other day and told me he’s been so busy at the garage. Can’t imagine why, since no one gets their cars fixed anymore. Maybe it’s because we have more cars. You know that isn’t healthy for the environment. All that carbon monoxide in the air. That’s another thing that was nice back in the day. Speaking of our children, I really miss Sally. Since she graduated I haven’t seen hide nor hair of her. I have to go to the store where she works if I want to see her and pretend to be a shopper. You know I saw a really nice pair of shoes while I was there. Oh, Dewie, look out! A big pot hole. No wonder cars are in such bad shape. Probably why Junior is so busy. Imagine what it will be like once winter is over. . .”

I guess you get the idea of a ride with Dewietta. She would talk on and on stopping only when she needed to take a breath. And every so often she’d would turn to Dewie with this gem. “Dewie, why don’t you ever talk to me? You need to join the conversation so I know you are listening to me. You are listening to me, aren’t you?”

You have to admit, that sounds familiar. It is a normal conversation, taken to the extreme.  Our alter egos would continue until one of three things happened, 1. We reached our destination. 2. We made a rest stop or to eat. 3. My voice would give out. All in all it was harmless fun. Ken seemed to enjoy it, too. Often he was the one to instigate the conversation. Of course that conversation starter was pretty much all he said during the trip.

In reality, I may not jump from one subject to another that drastically when I hold a conversation, but it is how my mind works, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only woman who can say that. One of my favorite explanations about this phenomenon is on YouTube. I felt I had to share it:

You had to see this to understand the “Empty Box.” Ken, and other men, have the strange ability to go inside their “Empty Box,” nearly any time they want. If they seal the box after entering it is hard for anything from the outside to gain their attention. This explains why so often wives think their husbands aren’t listening. It even happens to mothers talking to their sons, though I think the box isn’t fully sealable until their sons are fully grown. Kind of like the soft spot on a baby’s head.

If you think about it, it also explains why when you talk to sons, often they have forgotten what you said within minutes of you saying it. They might even swear you never said it. That is because what you said, fell through the cracks of their not fully formed box. On the other hand, a grown man never did hear it. His closed box let no sound of a female voice inside. And a woman’s only hope of reaching him would be to crawl inside and say what you have to say. Which, of course, is physically impossible.

Now I have a theory on all this, a woman can no longer stop herself from paying attention to several things at one time, than a man can pay attention of what a woman says when he is inside the box. Why? You might ask. Well, it is because God made us that way.

You see, this also explains why Eve found herself in a world-changing predicament when in the Garden of Eden.  God had told them not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, but after he said it, her mind began to wander. “What if I do eat the fruit? It could be by accident. I might find myself starving and need to eat and the only thing I find is the fruit from that tree. What if my husband is starving? Come to think of it, he has been awfully quiet lately. I wonder if he’s ill. . .

Now Satan, always ready to find a human’s weak point only added to her frenzied thoughts, giving her many reasons why she could eat that dreaded fruit. He played on her distracted mind.

However, being a good wife, the precursor to the TV show of the same name, she depended on her husband to have the answers. Only when she asked him, he failed to respond. After several attempts to get his attention, she gave the situation some thought. In her mind it was urgent that she get answers. What if Adam truly was ill? What if she was about to lose her beloved companion and she didn’t give him the fruit that might save him?

Then it occurred to her, thanks to the willingness of one male to talk to her, if she ate the fruit, she could test it first to see what happened. Out of love, she did just that. She did it for her husband’s sake. Wouldn’t God be proud? She’d put her life on the line for the man God had given her to. And once she survived, she took the fruit to Adam, hoping to save him.

When Adam finally came out of the box, he probably wondered what was going on. Eve had to be different. And she’d wanted him to eat the delicious fruit she said would make him feel better than ever.

Well, we all know what happened after that.  All because Adam went inside his box. If he’d been paying attention when Eve expressed her concerns, the world today would be a different place. A better place.

Okay, now back to what I started in the beginning. No maybe not. I think just by reading this entire article, you pretty much understand what I’ve been trying to say.

The mind of a woman is different from a man. She can’t help it and neither can he. But if the woman just happens to be a writer, there is no way of knowing where a thought will lead. It’s like one spark starting a forest fire.

I hope this helps husbands better understand their wives. And I hope wives will better understand, they need one spark to burn the box, so her husband will pay attention forever.

Now you all understand.

Below are some Pam Garlick novels you might like:

Nine Survival Tactics for a Time of Change

Say the word "change" to one person and they think of a campaign slogan. 

Another may think about the new and improved smarter vehicles.  For another, divorce may come to mind.  Still another, a chapter in Tom Peter's book Thriving on Chaos which is appropriately titled, "Learning to Love Change: A New View of Leadership at all Levels."  

Can any workplace or organizations learn to love change?  Do those same people, who face insurmountable challenges each day quiver in their boots when faced with a novel innovation? Certainly, many of them do.

Fear of change is everywhere.  It means facing the unknown.  There is an impermanence about change.  Yes, it isn't something you face for a brief period, like the challenge we face in a new situation.  Change creates instability

.

It also creates strength.  Even a favorite pair of comfortable old sneakers can outlive their usefulness.  They can become downright dangerous to wear, if not just plain offensive to those around you.

So, I say, throw out those old sneakers, and those old ideas and take a trip into a brave world.

Learn to love change.

Again, in his book, Tom Peters lists several principles, he calls prescriptions to assist managers and leaders.  I look at several of these, more as survival tactics that may help us as we head into that unchartered territory of our future. 

1.  DEVELOP AN INSPIRING VISION

Does your organization have a vision? Perhaps, many visions? It had better. Well folks, we are well into the 21st Century, and times they are a changing!

Everyone has dared to dream at one time or another.  Too often those dreams and those visions were stifled by dinosaurs from our past who felt dreaming was a waste of time.  Or, in the case of most manager who have been around forever, their familiar motto may be, "It won't work."

The leaders of today have to rethink this attitude.  They must promote creativity from everyone. They must accept ideas and give all suggestions a fair test. What keeps us from trying these new ideas? Could it be fear? Fear of failure can be a strong proponent for not trying anything new.  For failure to change.

Perhaps, the first step is to gasp failure as the first step in success.  Think about it,

success almost always comes on the heels of failure.  Rarely does anyone get something right the first time.  Likewise, if people had quit after the first try we'd still be riding a horse and buggy rather than driving cars, much less soaring through the clouds.

The key is to make those failures small failures.  Take one step at a time toward a new innovation.  If you fail at one step, take a look at what went wrong, analyze, modify, and try again. Or, move on to another step and try that.

Okay, this comes from someone who doesn't take small steps.  Someone who has been known to jump in with both feet.  That's easy when you're on a winning streak.  Ever so painful when you meet with that inevitable failure; because it will be a dozy.  The kind that makes you want to quit.

But, if that's the case, don't quit!  You're still among a pretty elite group of people -- risk-takers.  Without us, new things wouldn't happen.

We all just have to learn to look before we leap; to decide whether walking might be the best route to get where we want to go.  But hey, if the ground looks solid -- Go for it!  

Whatever your method, walking, running, jumping, just keep moving forward.  Keep generating new ideas.  Keep listening to the ideas of others.

Which brings us to:

2.  SETTING AN EXAMPLE

Refocus your attention on a new idea, a new plan for change.  Dedicate time to that.  Don't just give it lip-service.  Show that you are giving this your attention.

"Example is leadership," said Albert Schweitzer.

Those people working with you will see that you care enough to give time to a project; so they, too, will consider it worth their time. Talk about your new special project often. Make sure everyone knows it is utmost on your mind.

This isn't something you do only with other managers. You do it with all members of your organization. Come down out of that ivory tower you call an office and visit with the troops, your front line people; and don’t forget anyone on your staff.

You also need to move on and practice the next tactic.

3.  PRACTICE VISIBLE MANAGEMENT

You may say you have too much to do to socialize.  The truth is, you have too much to lose if you don't interact with your people.  Have you forgotten what it was like to be one of them?

To be a good example you must be seen.  To learn what is going on with your staff and volunteers you must see for yourself.  If there's a rumor you never know how factual, or tainted, it may be.  When you see it for yourself, or hear it from the person involved, you will have a pretty good idea what really is going on.

This is also a good way for you to practice the first survival tactic I listed.  It is the opportunity to hear the ideas of your members.  Let them know you are open to new suggestions. This will also give you the opportunity to learn more about your other managers and employees.  You may find someone possesses a special skill, even one that is not related directly to you, but could be beneficial to the organization.  You could enlist this person to share that skill with the rest of you, thus improving the organization as a whole.

You may also find someone has a special interest that with proper training, could be a real asset to the organization.  You might remember that person next time that training comes available.

Knowing more about your personnel can strengthen your company.

As with the last tactics, one leads to another.

4.  PAY ATTENTION! (DO MORE LISTENING)

Don't just pay token attention.  Really listen!  When you must be in your office, open the door.  Let your people know you are available to them.  Certainly, unless it is a vital personnel matter, whatever you are doing can be done a little later.  There should be nothing more important than your employees.  They are, after all, the ones who make it all happen.

While you're practicing visible leadership, ask questions. Not the kind that put people on the defensive.  The kind that show your personnel you are interested in their opinion. Start with a question like; "Do you think there would be a better way of doing this?" Then listen to the answer and if possible ask another question.

Don't specify a time like, "If you have any questions, problems, or comments, I will be in my office every evening, at 3 PM, on odd days, except on weekends."  That is, unless you really want your privacy.

Instead, try bringing a box of donuts into the work area some morning and letting everyone know your ears are open.  Again, you may want to get the ball rolling by asking opinions on an article you just read.  Or, you may just want to chip in to remind yourself how it was to do their job.

5.  DEFER TO THE FRONT LINE

While you are listening to what your staff have to say make sure you take what they say seriously.  Seriously enough to act upon it.  You may not be able to take action on every idea, but you can certainly do more than lend lip-service to them.  Take time to look further into implementation of your member’s new ideas.

I might add a word about the use of all personnel.  In the case of Tom Peter's book the distinction is made fairly clear that those are the people who are the nuts and bolts of the organization.  They are the ones who make it run on a day to day basis.  

You may have to broaden your definition of front line to include those people who are also being served.  They are the ones who will help you know where the strengths and weaknesses are in your organization.

All these people are important parts of the organization and their opinions and ideas should be treated accordingly.  Today's leaders were once one of those people.  Stay one of them!

6.  DELEGATE

One of the first rules we learn as leaders is to delegate.  Yet, isn't it far easier to say than to actually do?  An organization that had followed the previous survival tactics, may find it far easier. People who have been respected for who they are and what they think, not by status or title, will be far more willing to accept responsibility. 

Once you become part owner of something you certainly care a lot more about what happens to it.  That's the same case when you use someone's ideas to improve the organization.  They become part owner.  They want to see their ideas, and the organization become a success.  And they will go to great lengths to see that it does.

When you delegate make certain you really let go.  We aren't talking about handing over a new program to the newest employee.  We're talking about projects that are within a person's capability -- though often they don't realize it till they try.  We're talking about letting people implement their ideas.

When I say really let go, I mean don't check up on them to see that they have done what they were supposed to do.  Respect their ability to follow through.  It's a waiting game.  Wait for their report.  It helps to have them give you a rough action plan so that you may anticipate when you might expect that report.

Let them know it is their project; but, always let them know you are prepared to listen should they feel the need to discuss any aspect of that project.  Don't anticipate problems, but be there to offer support should they arise.

Above all, think positive.  Don't be like the vulture flying overhead, waiting for the project to die so you can pounce down and say, "I knew if I waited long enough it would happen!"  Instead, try a new diet that includes wanting and expecting success from all your personnel; because success breeds success, and that makes a better organization as a whole.

7.  PURSUE "HORIZONTAL" MANAGEMENT BY BASHING BUREAUCRACY

As I said previously, once you implement a few of these others will automatically follow. If you have opened your door, been a visible leader who listens to what your people have to say, allowed them room to pursue their creative ideas, you will have begun to pursue horizontal management.

The bashing of bureaucracy may be a bit more difficult for some, though very tempting.  I must include myself in that.  I leave a paper trail almost everywhere I go.  Partially because I took the first lesson I learned to heart, "CYA".  If you don't know what that means, consider yourself a knight and your armor is paper -- notes, records and reports.

 

There will always be a certain amount of paperwork that is unavoidable.  The point is, avoid the rest.  Find a better way for what is left.  In fact, one of those very people you now take time to listen to, may have an idea that will help ease the time wasted on bureaucratic paperwork.

8.  EVALUATE EVERYONE ON HIS OR HER LOVE OF CHANGE

This, too, will become easier if you have proven your commitment to change by your own actions.  As you show your excitement for new ideas, that excitement will spread.  You will visibly see those people who are catching on that change is good.

Ask yourself, and your employees, "What have you changed today?" Sounds like a crazy question; but, think about your answer. If you've only changed your underwear, and that's the same response you've given for the past year, you may need to take a hard look at where you're going. Certainly not headed toward the future. At least not unless it is kicking and screaming, or complaining, all the way.

As simple a change as where you hold a meeting can be a major start.  An example of this may be difficult for some to envision, but it factual.  A few trees died because of the amount of paper I used to keep my committee informed because they couldn't be at some of our meetings.  Today we can avoid that problem because of the technology available. Hasn’t that turned out to be a positive change? I think so.

9. CREATE A SENSE OF URGENCY

Certainly you had better be creating a sense of urgency about the need for change.  The reality is, most things can’t wait for the future -- change is needed now.  When you consider a portion of many organizations are still being dragged, kicking and screaming, and complaining, your latest programs, I'd say it is time to take action.

Sure, it's a big job. But, following these survival tactics, you won't be doing that job alone. You will be standing among some of the finest, most innovative people any company has to offer.

For too long it has been "Lonely at the top." That statement does not have to hold true. Not when you align yourself with the real movers and shakers.  The real people who will make changes happen.  The people who will walk beside you, not behind you into the future.

Or, perhaps, depending on your success with these survival tactics, maybe you won't be walking.  You may be running in anxious anticipation of the good things to come when you get there.

REFERENCE:

Thriving on Chaos; Handbook for a Management Revolution, Tom Peters, Harper Perennial, 1987