A Case for Insanity

Do you ever get one of those tunes in your mind and can’t get it out.  I have one that through the years has come back to me often. It is called the “Clap Clap Song.”  Recently I started thinking about the words.

Three, six, nine.

The goose drank wine.

The monkey chewed tobacco on the street car line.

The line broke.

The monkey got choked.

And they all went to heave in a little row boat.

Okay, first what kind of a song is this for a child? A drunken goose and a tobacco chewing monkey not to mention extreme violence as the monkey gets choked. I have another question about who are the “all” in the little row boat. What I’m saying is no one knows what happened to the people on the runaway street car? Are they also in the row boat with the goose with the cirrhosis-ridden liver and the monkey who probably would have died anyway from cancer of the mouth?

And that’s not the end of the song.

My mommy told me, if I was goodie, that she would buy me a rubber dolly.

My auntie told her, I kissed a soldier, now she won’t buy me, that rubber dolly.

I ask, back in the day, didn’t parents teach their children about “Stranger Danger?” It may not have been called that, but really, a child young enough to play with dolls kissing someone who is old enough to be a soldier. Seems to me the nosey auntie is the hero of this story.

That is just one song. Think about the fairy tales like Little Red Riding Hood. Does she need glasses or something? Who would mistake a wolf for their grandmother? Unless the grandmother was an original Coyote Ugly.

Not to mention the violence in this story. This time far worse that the other. The wolf who was obviously never told to chew each bite twenty times, swallows Red whole. Then the Huntsman comes to the rescue and violently frees Red from the Wolf by gutting him. Yikes, imagine the bloody mess.

We find more strange behavior when instead of giving up his unwanted kids for adoption a father takes his kids into the woods and leaves them. Not that the kids, Hansel and Gretel are innocents by any means. They sneak up to a stranger’s home and start eating it.  Don’t get me started on a house made of gingerbread. The old woman might have regretted her decision during the rainy season.

The old woman has nefarious designs on these kids that goes beyond revenge for the bite marks on her siding. She plans to bake these kids in her oven. Evil woman! But these kids turn the tables and push her into the oven first. My word, who thinks of these things? I would be leery of any kids who develop a habit of turning on the oven.

Next, some people get disturbed about cohabitation. Yet, I wonder if they ever thought about Snow White. I mean the woman lived with seven dwarfs. Do you really think she was snow white?

Now with all these confusing messages, don’t you think it’s understandable that children who grew up with these tales may have some mental disorders as adults? At a minimum some kind of neurosis, at the worst maybe even psychotic tendencies.

So it is, I’m researching all of these old songs, nursery rhymes and stories, analyzing them, and cataloging them according to the behaviors they are demonstrating. I will keep this file just in case the time ever comes I find myself on trial for some crime. I’m not saying I’d commit a crime, but if I did, I feel these files will serve as evidence I couldn’t help myself by reason of insanity.

I will also be willing to share this evidence for any of my friends. There’s a few I’m pretty sure are ready to go over the deep end. Someday they’re going to need it. And a good lawyer. I can recommend one of them too.

You can find some of my novels and shorter stories here.

Be a Child Again

Spring’s here, at least it feels like it today. Soon it will be summer.  With it come memories of when my boys were young.  Not to mention some childhood memories of my own.  It’s funny how the things I remember most were probably the things that cost the least.  Blame it on my imagination.

With the rising cost of gas it is no wonder some people are reconsidering taking a vacation this year.  Still, it’s been proven vacations are important.  It’s even been proven to increase productivity when one returns from vacation.

But who said you have to travel far for a vacation.  Some vacations can be right in your own back yard, or if you don’t have one, someplace in your own neighborhood.  However, for those of you who suffer from imagination atrophy, it may take a little practice.

So, go to an expert.  Go to a child!

If you are reading this, you have access to the Internet.  That can be an added plus.  I mean, it isn’t called the World Wide Web for nothing.  Do the math: 1 child + access to the world = creativity at its finest.

First, lay some ground rules, like how far you really are willing to travel.  (ie: your backyard, neighborhood playground, local park, etc.)  Another thing to decide is how much time you will spend on the Web.  If you are like me, sometimes you spend more time on research than you do actually planning, not to mention actually doing what it is you want to do.

Last, but certainly not least, you need a budget.  Will you go purchase a pup tent to set up for your camping trip in the wilderness (ie: your living room), or will you turn chairs backward and put a sheet over them.  It amounts to the same thing.  However, with sheets you may have money to rent a few movies with jungle themes.

If you camp, remember you need songs to sing around the campfire.  Oh, by the way, a great indoor camp fire can be made with red and yellow cellophane paper over a flashlight or other battery operated lighting device, surrounded by a circle of bricks or stones.  While cooking over a campfire inside or out should be done with extreme care.  I suggest those little Sterno tins for roasting marshmallows for s’mores.  Do it outside your tent, on a firm, fireproof surface.  And always with adult supervision.

Would you like to go to London to visit the queen?  Again do your research.  Go to your local thrift shop and find an inexpensive gown, or make one out of material or an old sheet.  It doesn’t need to be sewn by a pro, it just needs to be created with use of one’s imagination.  Of course, a little glue and glitter may help, especially for a crown.

Ah, and what of the Royal Guard?  Well, cardboard covered with fake fur can be made into one of those familiar hats.  Oh, and imagine creating a throne for your queen to be seated when you make your visit.  If you are lucky you might even leave with a title.

Anyplace with sand can be a beach.  Large cardboard boxes can be shops lining the boardwalk.  You can find salt water taffy or candy corn at one, tie-dyed tee shirts at another.  And think of the fun making these ahead of time. 

As for the ocean waves, that may be a little more difficult to simulate, but I’m sure a hose set on low can certainly simulate the ocean spray.  Or, a hose sprayed on a shower curtain with just a touch of dish soap can make a fun slip and slide.  Maybe not as long a slide as the original version, but certainly suitable for little ones.

Also items with a theme can be purchased from Oriental Trader for a minimal expense.  You and your kids can be anything from a pirate to a hula dancer and lots of things in between.  Just check their site below to see the kinds of things they have.

Last, as a writer, I must add the value of also doing research at your local library.  There is nothing like a book to take you anywhere you want to go.  So pick up a summer read while your there and read it on the beach, aka: your local park sand box, or while you are lounging in a hammock after a day in the jungle.

I hope this has sparked your creative juices and that you will have a joyous summer vacation even if you do stay close to home.

Internet Stalker or Just Lonely?

This morning one of my FaceBook friends messaged me to find out if I knew anything about a man she had friended on FB. She was thinking about deleting him, but saw I was one of his friends.  I suspected he was just one in a short line of men who had contacted me with some flattering messages.

Okay, when someone calls me beautiful, I am immediately suspicious. I mean, my husband doesn’t even call me beautiful. In fact, when we were planning our wedding and deciding upon music, he told me he wanted the song, “Make an Ugly Woman your Wife.” 

Yes, he is correct when he says I have a very long memory. But to his credit, he told me he only wanted that song because there is a phrase in it that speaks of a woman’s culinary abilities. I chose to let him off the hook, knowing he did appreciate my cooking. However, deep down I always wondered if that was really his reason for wanting that old song.

Back on topic. I had told the man in question I was happily married and he had replied that he meant no offense and just wanted to be friends. I let it go at that. I didn’t think any more of it. No more flattering messages. He was forgotten.

Until this morning. Although this woman was deleting the man, I promised I would check my friend list to see if I could find out more. To my amazement, this man who just wanted to be FB friends, had unfriended me. Imagine that. Now I wonder, was he moving on to hopefully greener pastures, only to be deleted himself.

I know we can report anyone who acts suspiciously or who is vulgar in any way. Still, I started thinking of other ways of weeding through these people trying to figure out if they are FB stalkers or just lonely people in need of friendship. I’d like you to add suggestions of your own to the two I’m going to offer.

First, in the course of my work I occasionally need to obtain stock photographs. My thought is to look for one that is exceptionally unflattering. I will leave you to define that for yourself, as my way might be offensive to certain people who live alternative lifestyles.  I would use this photo in a special message mentioning where I would be on a certain date and time. I’d say that they would recognize me by my real photograph, which would become my FB photo for a brief time.

Of course if my ego would not permit me to do this, I could try another, no less offensive method.  It comes from a funny story I will spare telling you at this time. However, let’s just say we often ask for prayers as we prepare to undergo medical procedures or surgery.

My thought is to give a few hints as to the type of surgery one might be having. If the person who wants to be friends, really does want to be just friends, it should not matter one bit. On the other hand, if that person is an Internet stalker with evil intents, the thought of a potential love interest having such surgery just might dampen the mood.

Then, there is always another alternative, such as the one I used. Let them know you are not interested and watch them drop you like a hot potato, instead of a hot mama.  Or, do as my friend did this morning, and just click them away.

There are always going to be strange people, just like there will be lonely people. It is up to us to figure out who we are dealing with when we are on FB or any other social media site. I advise everyone use care and don’t be so revealing about where you live, or places where you can be found. You never who might be watching.