TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO PERSON HAS GONE BEFORE (Part Two)

What causes a relationship to bloom? And, what causes it to sour? Like in Part One of this series of blogs, relationships can also be influenced by many outside factors. Past mistakes or painful situations can lead to difficulty in building relationships. I have found this to be very true in my own struggle to build a relationship with family.

I will not go into anything personal, because “personal,” is self-explanatory. However, I will say fault can run in both directions of a struggling relationship. I will also say that the closer you hope to be, the more painful the rejection or gap.

First, one needs to give up on wanting things to be perfect. Often this only serves to distance the people with whom we are trying to draw close. Others can read tension; but they may not know what is causing it. While one may be stressing because they are trying so hard, it may be perceived as really wishing the situation was over. This is a good reason to relax and stop trying so hard.

Another warning is to watch out for those who offer advice. Sometimes people you love tell you what they think you want to hear. At the same time, people with their own agenda may tell you something that will, in the end, benefit them. I also learned this the hard way.

Trust what your eyes and ears tell you. The latter is very important. Open a line of dialogue. This isn’t always easy. Especially when what you hear is not what you want to hear. Sometimes it can be downright hurtful. Still, this dialogue, if done properly, runs two ways. It offers you the opportunity to clarify any misconceptions.

You also need to know when not to respond or react. When to stop and think about what you are about to say. In her book, “Who Switched Off My Brain? Controlling Toxic Thoughts and Emotions,” Dr. Caroline Leaf states, that like poison ivy, words have their sting. “You may think you’ll feel better when you’ve let it all out and given others a piece of your mind, but you actually won’t.

That is why I have often chosen to bite my tongue than open a hornet’s nest of pain, that can be worse than the itch of poison ivy. Still, when one choses silence over confrontation, they must also remember to let it go. I have found this part particularly difficult and am still working to shrink my long memory.

In the book, “But, I’m not a Wicked Stepmother!”, authors Kathi Lipp and Carol Boley have set aside an entire chapter about communications that may be beneficial even if your relationship problem is not with step-children.  The chapter, “Say This, Not That,” is perhaps one of the best chapters in the book, though I did find the entire book a good reference to many of life’s situations.

It is perhaps better to look at fixing a relationship as building a bridge rather than swimming the channel separating you from the one you love. Swimming a channel, often against current, can be extremely tiring and dangerous, while the worst you may get by building a bridge is a splinter or sore back. It may seem swimming will be faster, but in the end, a bridge will last longer and create a two-way road to friendship.

Last, note the last word in the above paragraph. “Friendship.” While you may long for a loving relationship, friendship may be the best you will ever have. It’s not so bad; as they say, one never can have too many friends.

In the third part of this series, I will discuss ways to maintain a healthy heart.

You can get the books mentioned in this article below:

TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO PERSON HAS GONE BEFORE

I’m not certain why I chose that title. Maybe a subliminal message from the recent Star Trek commercials.  What I do know is that there is a place closer than outer space, a place deep inside our lives that may need some exploring.

I came to this conclusion after over a year battling depression and self-dissatisfaction. I am not where I’d thought I’d be in this phase of my life. I am a writer who loves “Happily Ever After,” endings. However, Happily Ever After, can’t be created just because you write it on a piece of paper. No, it takes hard work, and often, no matter how hard we try, it may not be attainable.

Today, what I hope to achieve is contentment and peace. To do that I felt the need to take a deep look inside myself and find out why these things seem so distant from my life.

First, I have to throw away the fairy tale dream I’d anticipated for my later years. It’s only value is for my readers, many of whom are searching for much the same thing as I am searching. It is for them, I am again putting my thoughts to paper and sharing them. It is my hope I can help myself and others as I search for the contentment and peace I long.

I realized along the beginning of my search that a person is not only influenced by their past, but also the future and the dreams they hold close to their heart. And, they are influenced by the day to day happenings in their life and the world.

Here is one hard lesson learned. I needed to cut back on the amount of that world I let into my own life. Like many, I am a creature of habit, and for many years I have watched the news show Good Morning America. It has so much more than news, and I find much valuable information right from my living room chair.

Sadly, though, I also have my lunch with the news at noon. Then later when Ken comes home, he wants to see what is happening in the world; and because I want to spend time with him, I watch the news again.

This is news overdosing. For me it was like taking a tiny little bit of arsenic a day. Do you know this is how women in the past maintained their stylish, pale, sickly complexion? Of course, a little too much and you can guess what happened.

I believe the outside world and all the horrors going on have been a big influence on my depression. The negative things of the world were pushing in and slowly pushing out the positive things in my life. I very nearly lost my ability to think positive at all.

Another even bigger influence on me is my family. I include all people I love and care about. Because I care so deeply, I didn’t realize how subtly other people’s pain can seep into my own psyche and begin to go from picking at my heartstrings to ripping a deepening hole into my heart. Yes, it is possible to care too much.

My solution to the subjects above was to cut back on the news – not ignoring it completely – just not hearing it over and over again. Next, I practically eliminated social media. It was hard, because I cared about my friends, and enjoyed the positive posts I read. Now, I limit the negativity.

I don’t want to sound casual, but I have begun to pray for all those who are struggling with illness, grief, financial woes, and more. The blanket prayer helps ease my conscience that I may forget someone important to me. This has helped me to exit social media as soon as I have read enough negativity. I admit to skipping any posts that have certain words jump out; like: Trump, ISIS, protests, war, etc.. I don’t have to name them. You just have to spend a brief time on social media to find them.

Another thing I needed to do was take a look at my relationships with the people I love. In Part Two of this short series will be dedicated to this subject.

You may find the following books on related subjects helpful:

BYE-BYE GAMES

I deleted all but one of my games today. I probably should have gotten rid of them all. Cold Turkey worked for me when I quit smoking, but it never worked well with games. Believe me, I’ve tried. The worst thing was that every time I went back, I added more and more games.

Last month I even paid to keep playing one game. That is after I swore I would never spend a cent on games. I deleted that game as soon as I came to my senses.

I realize there are worse things I could be doing. Like sitting and eating bonbons all day while watching soap operas. Funny thing, I think there may only be one soap opera left. Not that I watch them, mind you.

Games are an addiction for me. Just like food. Oh, how I wish I was addicted to exercise, but I’m not fond of pain. For me, exercise equals pain. Even a simple walk for less than 10 minutes means I must turn around for fear I won’t make it home again.

Back to the games – or should I say back to writing? I have decided to fill the time I have been wasting on games trying to write again. Those of you who know me the best, know writing was always part of who I am. Not writing feels like I have lost something precious.

I don’t know how successful I will be. My problem isn’t writing something short like this blog. No, the problem is getting words for a story or novel from my brain to paper. I have been told this could be because of Parkinson’s Disease.

However, PD can’t stop me from trying! Games be gone! Writing be back!!! Pray for me friends. Pray I succeed. If I do, quite possibly, in a few months, I’ll be trying to sell you my next story.