Today I’m going to talk a little about my body. So, if you
have any young ones within reading distance you better read this someplace private. And, when you are finished, delete it from
your history so no one learns anything before their time.
I was always a bit self-conscious of my body, in particular
my breasts. You see, I’m a bit
lop-sided. I know this is a common
thing, and many people are not evenly proportioned, but it seems to be an
extreme for me.
If we start at my feet, we note that one foot is slightly
larger. One leg is also a fraction
longer than the other. Yes, again not
uncommon, but my body goes beyond this. If
it were just this I could certainly go the rest of my life without a second
thought about it. Except maybe, when I’m buying shoes.
We’ll jump past the duo mounds – obviously I can’t call them
twins like many women refer to them.
Then again, no one specifies whether they are identical twins or not. We’ll go straight to my shoulders where one
lies slightly lower than the other.
Heading upward a glance in the mirror reveals that my lips
are uneven as are my ears. It is
unfortunate, but if I were to ever shave my head people would not be able to
avoid noting that one side of my head is larger. Now this misfortune happened at birth I am
certain. I was born with water on my
skull, not to be confused with Hydrocephalus, water on the brain, which can cause
much more serious issues. And since I
have it on good psychiatric authority my brain is fine – I have proven this
often – my main concern is appearance.
Most of these malformations can be disguised by hair styles
or cocking my head to one side. I can easily fill in one side of my lips more
fully with lipstick and I’ve had my ears pierced at slightly different
locations to help disguise my lop-lopsidedness.
Now for the part I have most difficulty with – those dreaded
uneven breasts. I first really became self-conscious
back in the 60s when many women started burning their bras. However before I
could strike a match I was warned that not all women should go bra-less and
there was a test to determine if one should.
It was the pencil test.
Yes, the pencil test is simple. Put a pencil beneath the naked breast, stand
up straight, and if it stays you should not go braless. AhHa, my left side was the lucky one – or, unlucky
depending on how you looked at it. It
was small enough that I could go bra less.
However, it was my right side that left me curious as to
what I should do. When placed beneath my right breast the pencil stayed put. I
could jump up and down and the thing remained as though held by Velcro – had Velcro
been invented at that time.
After that, I became self-conscious of my disproportionate
breasts. I’d stuff tissues in to make Lefty
look larger or I’d tighten the shoulder strap significantly tighter on Righty
so they both looked even. They might have passed for twins.
While I’d hoped Lefty would eventually catch up with Righty,
it was never to be. If anything as I
grew older and a bit larger the difference became more significant. It was made worse after a couple of lumps had
to be removed from Lefty. Why, oh, why
not Righty, I always wondered. Was it
some kind of cruel joke?
Now that I’m older I see more humor in the difference. How interesting would we be if we were all
alike? I suppose that is true for breasts. I have even given my pair names:
Lefty is now Mary, and Righty is Martha.
You may not get this if you aren’t into the Bible, so I will
explain. Mary and Martha were sisters
who were very different. While Mary
would lounge at the feet of Jesus, listening carefully to His every word,
Martha would be busy hustling and bustling to make Him a meal. I picture them
as Mary being this little bit of a thing and Martha a more robust woman.
So, they are my Mary and Martha. Every once in a while I drop them a littletid
bit of something to eat. Martha is happy
not to have to cook it herself, while Mary is just content to sit around and
listen to the conversation.
Maybe it’s not so bad that they are different.
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