What causes a relationship to bloom? And, what causes it to sour? Like in Part One of this series of blogs, relationships can also be influenced by many outside factors. Past mistakes or painful situations can lead to difficulty in building relationships. I have found this to be very true in my own struggle to build a relationship with family.
I will not go into anything personal, because “personal,” is self-explanatory. However, I will say fault can run in both directions of a struggling relationship. I will also say that the closer you hope to be, the more painful the rejection or gap.
First, one needs to give up on wanting things to be perfect. Often this only serves to distance the people with whom we are trying to draw close. Others can read tension; but they may not know what is causing it. While one may be stressing because they are trying so hard, it may be perceived as really wishing the situation was over. This is a good reason to relax and stop trying so hard.
Another warning is to watch out for those who offer advice. Sometimes people you love tell you what they think you want to hear. At the same time, people with their own agenda may tell you something that will, in the end, benefit them. I also learned this the hard way.
Trust what your eyes and ears tell you. The latter is very important. Open a line of dialogue. This isn’t always easy. Especially when what you hear is not what you want to hear. Sometimes it can be downright hurtful. Still, this dialogue, if done properly, runs two ways. It offers you the opportunity to clarify any misconceptions.
You also need to know when not to respond or react. When to stop and think about what you are about to say. In her book, “Who Switched Off My Brain? Controlling Toxic Thoughts and Emotions,” Dr. Caroline Leaf states, that like poison ivy, words have their sting. “You may think you’ll feel better when you’ve let it all out and given others a piece of your mind, but you actually won’t.
That is why I have often chosen to bite my tongue than open a hornet’s nest of pain, that can be worse than the itch of poison ivy. Still, when one choses silence over confrontation, they must also remember to let it go. I have found this part particularly difficult and am still working to shrink my long memory.
In the book, “But, I’m not a Wicked Stepmother!”, authors Kathi Lipp and Carol Boley have set aside an entire chapter about communications that may be beneficial even if your relationship problem is not with step-children. The chapter, “Say This, Not That,” is perhaps one of the best chapters in the book, though I did find the entire book a good reference to many of life’s situations.
It is perhaps better to look at fixing a relationship as building a bridge rather than swimming the channel separating you from the one you love. Swimming a channel, often against current, can be extremely tiring and dangerous, while the worst you may get by building a bridge is a splinter or sore back. It may seem swimming will be faster, but in the end, a bridge will last longer and create a two-way road to friendship.
Last, note the last word in the above paragraph. “Friendship.” While you may long for a loving relationship, friendship may be the best you will ever have. It’s not so bad; as they say, one never can have too many friends.
In the third part of this series, I will discuss ways to maintain a healthy heart.
You can get the books mentioned in this article below:
No comments:
Post a Comment